Russians, Jews, Russian Jews, Jewish Russians, and all plain Americans of any mold! By accident, I've got a hold on quite a few pieces of news which might be of interest to INFO-RUSS community. I intended to post them about a week ago, but combination of personal and technical reasons delayed me. I I hope, however, they would be still of interest to you, folks.

• The collapse of old enemy, Sov. Union, brought the US Government to rethink a lot of geo-political issues, the top one of which is: Who should be designated now to be the worst enemy, and who - to be the best friend? The very secret (and trusted) info obtained by me, is that the choice is made: the new Best Friend will be Russia, the new Worst Enemy -- Israel. The confirmations of that are abundant:
  • Ten+ billion dollars refused to Israel, are proposed to go instead to ex-Sovok. My sources told me that as expected the major portion of that money will go to keep military and KGB running. The not so secret agreement reached between Pentagon and Russian generals, is that all the missiles aimed at US ant its allies, will be re-aimed now at the US enemies; a good portion of them, however, will stay aimed as they used to be: at Israel, and some new will be added. (The latter point in the negotiations was agreed upon in the most understanding and amicable atmosphere).

  • Long expecting this development of events, the oldest and wisest Hasidim Rabbi decided to declare himself a Messia, and to move from the US to Israel, which move will obviously prevent at least Pentagon from nuking Israel. Outraged Pentagon official, who withhold his name, hinted however that this would free Pentagon to nuke Brooklyn, NY, instead. Technically, it is even easier.

  • Bad news: since it is difficult to punish the Israel any more (although what has already been done, was a really neat move, considering the Iraq bombing of Israel during the Gulf war), a lot of new pressure will be put on the Jews in the US. Some campaigning candidates offered a whole set of possible steps, including development of Birobidzhan County in the State of Utah. As the latest rumors have it, the new, "fifth paragraph" will be introduced in driver licenses. But not to worry: a few Brooklyn-based companies are prepared to fabricate faked licenses with the right "paragraph".

• Since there is a great influx of Russians coming to this country, some of them, especially former dissidents, accustomed to rebellion, could be potential trouble-makers. Hence, it is planned to bring in a lot of KGB experts on dissidents to have them of-hand when the time come to hunt for those dissies. Their expertise will be especially needed having in mind that the real dissidents have to be spotted in much larger crowd of former commi-party members and other pillars of Sov. establishment, who suddenly became closet freedom-fighters, democracy lovers, capitalism promoters, etc.

• Other areas of collaboration are rapidly coming up. During the current Presidential campaign, the incumbent Republican Government used a new trick to topple the leading candidate of Democratic party: in the recent sex scandal, the lady who presumably has had numerous and elaborated intercurses with the candidate, is a Russian agent (just look at the any of Mrs. Flawer's pictures).

• All of a sudden, it became politically correct in this country to be in love with Russia. All the ladies are tremendously vibrating over anything Russian-related (in particularly, Russ-males). A lot of US cities are looking now for their sister-cities in Russia (naturally, they are wanted in Russia as brother-cities). The warm feelings are almost boiling; my info has it that soon there will be mama-cities (remember Odessa-mama?) and papa-cities (sure, Rostov-papa), lover-cities, etc. Soon there will be a lot of people running around in search of city-size diapers for newly-born baby-cities (sigh, nobody will listen to Surgeon General's worning about use of condones...).

• In related development: on Tuesday last week, a charted flight # IR-13 (a huge Boeing 707) arrived at JFK directly from Moscow. It was full of Russian bachelor scientists, and was awaited for by a huge crowd of American single and divorced ladies, eager to pick charming Russian husband. Some of them who belong to the high society, came incognito. My sources reported a fist fight between two such ladies (a daughter and a granddaughter of reknown pulic figures), who fought over one immensely attractive middle-aged physicist. The police dealt with that situation in a very discreet way by delicately pulling the ladies away from each other. Nobody knows who won. (Watch for new appointments in universities.)

• Good news: most of the top US universities are kicking their gates out for Russian scientists. The Presidents of top five US universities are ready to declare their voluntary resignation in favor of any member of Russian Academy of Sciences who is willing to come and pick the Presidency up. Any Russian researcher is welcome; he just has to come and declare his degree -- no questions will be asked. Graduate students ("aspirants") will immediately be offered Assistant Professor position, "Candidates of Sciences" -- Associate Professor, and "Doctor of Science" -- Full Professor, or depending of his personal appeal -- Chairman of Department, or the Director of Lab. Recently, the top University in one of the West-Southern states while looking for a new Director of its very distinguished research Center, talked with five Russians. On the final account, none of them appeared on the candidate short list; apparently all of them refused, citing either pride for Soviet science or patriotic feelings.

• Honest people, Americans are willing to pay for a presumed brain drain to Russian Government. Most recent info mentioned these numbers: 1 ton of Idaho potatos for a "Candidate of Science", 2 tons - for a "Doctor of Science", 3 tons -- for an Academician (here Americans goofed: they didn't know that Russian are perfectly willing to give their Academicians away for free).

Alejandro Nalpak

Date: Tue, 7 Apr 92
From: kelley@ll.mit.edu (Paul Kelley)
Subject: INFO-RUSS: nuclear weapons design contest

This to confirm some of the statements recently made to this newsgroup by Alejandro Nalpak and to add some further information.

In response to the massive nuclear threat posed by Iraq and Libya, it was recently announced by the US DOE that there will be a major nuclear weapons design contest between US and former Soviet scientists. The goal will be to further improve yield and compactness of devices. Because of the need for careful verification of yields, above ground testing will be resumed in the Pacific. This will involve the displacement of a small number of Pacific Islanders (approximately 20,000). Worldwide fallout on an annual basis will not exceed that from Chernobyl. The head of the US team will be Dr. L. Wood of LLNL; in order to put this program on a fast track, he has asked DOE to increase LLNL's budget by 50% and to decrease LANL's budget by a similar amount. There will be approximately ten shoot-offs per year with suitable prizes given to the winners, such as a job at the opposing team's laboratory. It is rumored that Professor E. Teller will be the US judge and that the CIS is seeking an appropriate judge from the Russian Academy.

Date: Thu, 1 Apr 1993
From: "S. Burkov"
To: info-russ@smarty.ece.jhu.edu
Subject:INFO-RUSS: Beating Swords into Plows

Beating Swords into Plows
Conversion of Russian Defence-Oriented Physics
Dr. Gleb Mudozvonov
V.I. Chapaev Nat. Lab., Muhosransk (formerly Sverdlovsk-69)

Many recently top secret laboratories are working on finding civilian applications to formerly military technologies. Projects range from colossal, 1km long, car-like 4-cylinder engine, powered by nuclear bomb explosions (the cylinders are 200m siloses in hard rock) to modest always warm toilet seats, powered by the heat from a nuclear reaction in radioactive isotops added to the plastic. The most promising discovery is reinforcement of latex by x-ray irradiation, the facility will be built near broken Chernobyl reactor, the cheapest source of x-rays. The technology allows use of 10 times thinner latex for manufacturing condoms, without losing strength and reliability.

_______________________ 

from Anton Puchkov:
-Vasilij Ivanych, ty stakan vodki vipit mozhesh?
-Ty che, Petka, o chem rech
-A butylku?
-Sprashivaesh...
-A vedro?
-I vedro mogu
-A bochku?
-Net, Petka, bochku tolko Lenin mozhet...
_______________________

Date: Fri, Apr. 1 94
From: eed_waek@jhunix.hcf.jhu.edu (Jay-Khu Nigruhk)
Subject: INFO-RUSS: new emigration quota, visas & taxes

URGENT:

To put a stop to the flood of the immigration-related fraud and abuse, the Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) is about to initiate on a trial basis a whistle-blower protection policy. All the resident aliens, visitors, and persons on a work-related visa are encouraged to report the cases of fraud and abuse among the applicants for the resident or refugee status to the INS: falsifying the records of birth and ethnic origin, political or religious persecution, making dishonest and deceptive statements, entering the sham marriages, and misrepresenting the scientific credentials.

According to the INS spokeswoman, Ms. Daz W. Sibeaz, a special telephone hotline will be established as soon as in May; special P.O. box will be made operational in June, with the e-mail connection to follow. As an encouragement, the whistle-blowers, whose identity will be kept strictly confidential, will be given preferential treatment when their own immigration cases come up for the INS consideration. A special immigration/refugee quota for the whistle- blowers will be established in 1994-95 financial year. Addressing the question of how the INS is going to separate the cases of genuine abuse from the false accusations, Ms. Sibeaz has stated that the special preference will be given to the information from the people who have had a prior experience in the supplying the authorities with valuable information in the country of their origin. In order to give more weight to their claims and thus get higher rating, the potential whistle-blowers are encouraged to supply the references regarding their similar activity in the past, including their rank and department, if professional. (In the case of cross-information, i. e. when two persons report on each other, the preference will be given to the one having the higher rank.)

The INS has decided to extend the status of "refugee" to the FSU persons only if they have demonstrated the real threat of any prosecution BEFORE Apr.15 1994. In a rear case of the intergovermental agencies collaboration the Internal Revenue Service has agreed to facilitate the problem of handling the rush of the late filing for the asylum by combining the asylum form for the applicants already in the US with 1040 tax form in a new 1040-FSU form. The form is easy to use and has special boxes to check, such as:

• "Member of ethnic and/or religious and/or sexual minority" (Being a Russian in the FSU republics does not qualify for ethnic minority, although it may in some cases qualify for other two)
• "Have been beaten, harassed and/or insulted by police, spouse or domestic partner" (pets are NOT included)
• "Have been discriminated on the basis of your sexual preference or profession"
• "Have lived for at least 5 years within 100 miles radius from Chernobyl (Ukraine) or Dolgoprudnaya (Moscow Region)"
• "Have been inducted into the Profsoyus, Komsomol, Party, or Academy of Sciences against your own will".
• "Have been forced to obtain a "kandidat" or "doctor" degree", etc.

The new forms will be available from any local IRS offices prior to April 15.

Jay-Khu Nigruhk (with some contribution from Alejandro Nalpak)

eed_wjk@jhunix.hcf.jhu.edu

Date: Sat, 1 Apr. 1995
From: J. Nigruhk & A. Nalpak
Subject:INFO-RUSS: BIZARRE DEATH OF RUSSIAN VISITOR

MYSTERIOUS DEATH OF RUSSIAN VISITOR IN GREECE

ATHENS, APRIL 1. (Reuters)

According to the spokesman for the Greek National Police, the Police is still trying to put together a coherent picture of the last week's bizarre death by decapitating of visiting Russian physicist Konstantin I. Vas'kin, 41, in Saloniki, where he worked in the Technical University.

Vas'kin, a graduate of one of the most prestigious Moscow colleges, had arrived in Greece in 1993 under the scientific exchange program, and, according to his colleagues, had largely kept to himself, being concerned exclusively with his work and attaining a permanent status in the West. His social life consisted mostly of communicating with the fellow expatriats via Internet. Vas'kin was known to join a number of Internet discussion groups set up by the FSU expatriates where he occasionally expressed his rather mundane views on a variety of topics.

Yet, according to co-workers, after the New Year 1995, they had noticed a sudden change in Vas'kin's behavior pattern. Around the first week of January, when the extent of the defeat dealt to the Russian Troops during their ill-conceived New-Year assault on Grozny, in Chechnya, had became fully known, Vas'kin had ceased being his former calm and introverted self. In an agitated mood he had roamed the corridors of the University, cursing the Chechens, Turks (which had found a welcome resonance among the Greeks), West in general, and the Jews (which finds a resonance anywhere).

From there on, Vas'kin had often been seen entering the Orthodox church, and, according to his neighbors had always stayed awake well into the nights, typing on his keyboard with maddening speed, and singing marching songs in his native language.

Having no other clues, police investigated the contents of Vas'kin's computer hard disk. While most of it was occupied by the disk-space consuming graphic files contains pornographic material, in the file "sent-mail" a number of Vas'kin's comments distributed over the Internet were found. Using a highly descriptive language, Vas'kin made comments about Chechens, Jews, Russian human rights activists, their mothers, etc. Among unretrieved messages in the "mailbox" file was one in an unknown code with repeated words "Jihad", "Allah Akbar!", and "Your Mamma!"

On March 23, Vas'kin's decapitated body had been found sitting in up-right position in the chair in front of the computer, which at a time was running a popular sex game program. A naked women in a lewd position on the CRT display, was moaning "Give me a Head!!!, Oh, Give me a Head!!!" It was this moaning that had prompted the neighbors to look into the window of Vas'kin's apartment only to discover a grisly scene.

Greek National Police continues investigation. A routine warning for the small Russian expatriate community in Saloniki had been issued, Vas'kin's surviving father, Ivan Kuz'mich Gurevich, is planning to attend his son's funeral on his scouting trip from Kostroma to Haifa.

The police is seeking opinion of leading computer security experts among Russian expatriat community. Some of them have suggested that a decapitating computer virus could have been originated and spreaded via Internet by obscure underground computer network known as info-russ. By request of Greek Government, Interpol issued a warrant for detaining and questioning of the coordinator of info-russ, whose identity remains unknown. Greek Government established an award of 30 000 drahmas leading to apprehension and conviction of the person(s) responsible for the crime. According to our sources, the network in question operates from the US soil; people having any relevant information are urged to contact local FBI offices.

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