Just a bit of info-russ humor (:-) Tolkovyj slovar'
From: "Sergei Burkov" 
Date: Sat, 1 Apr 95 13:34:28 EST
To: info-russ@smarty.ece.jhu.edu
Subject: INFO-RUSS: Sovokinform

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Dovol'no tolkovyj slovar' Knysheva.

Rechyshka - nebol'shoj doklad
napast' - namordnik
idiot - (razg.) stupaj proch'
soplemenniki - bol'nye nasmorkom
chernaya dyra - trudnodostupnaya afrikanskaya provinciya
vydayushayasya lichnost' - nevesta
hvatit' lishnego - kupit' bilet s ruk
shershen' - (franc.) lovelas
vzyatie kreposti - ochered' v vinnyj otdel
rubil'nik - palach
drapirovka - otstuplenie
kamaril'ya - e'skadriliya kamarov
oklimat'sya - nadushit'sya francuzskimi duhami
vykidysh - parashutist
obivat' porogi - plyt' po gornoj reke
retrograd- starinnyj gorodok
lozhnyj posyl - neparlamentskoe vyrazhenie
antipod - nad
cikorij - sanatorij CK
padla - Pizanskaya bashnya
paskuda - (futb.) netochnaya peredacha mecha
mramornaya kroshka - Venera Milosskaya

		***

Vse lishnee - detyam
obladayu smehotvornymi sposobnostyami
zdes' nedaleko - odna ostanovka na taksi
ya pozvonil v dver', no bylo zanyato
yajca ot kuricy nedaleko padayut
v gostyah horosho, a doma - ploho
professional svoego dela, no ne lyubitel'
"bud' proshe" - govoril prostoj karandash cvetnomu
pozhenilis' - na tom i pazoshlis'
lozung na roddome: "bol'she zhizni"
ona byla ot schast'ya na sed'mom mesyace
mnogo vas, zhenatyh, razvelos'
vsyakij narod imeet to pravitel'stvo, kotoroe ego imeet
my pogryazli v chistote i uyute
zhizn' korotka. poterpi nemnozhko 

(iz "Tozhe knigi" A. Knysheva)
 
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Date: Mon, 24 Apr 1995 23:59:36 -0400
From: SKI1580@aol.com
To: INFO-RUSS@smarty.ece.jhu.edu
Subject: INFO-RUSS: Programmer's brake...

E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage. 

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSII!  

Backups? We don' *NEED* no stinking backups.  

Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!?"

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull!

Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

COFFEE.EXE Missing -- Insert Cup and Press any Key.

Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

C:\WINDOWS  C:\WINDOWS\GO  C:\PC\CRAWL

C:\DOS   C:\DOS\RUN  RUN\DOS\RUN

<---------The information went data way ----------------

Best file compression around: "DEL*.* = 100% compression.

The definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

BREAKFAST.COM Halted ... Cereal Port Not Responding.

The name is BAUD ... JAMES BAUD.

And away Ski goes............................................
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From: sasha@super.ece.jhu.edu (Alexander Kaplan)
Date: Sat, 20 May 95 11:15:36 EDT
To: info-russ@smarty.ece.jhu.edu
Subject: INFO-RUSS: Tenure denied

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A subscriber who wanted to remain anonymous, forwarded this to me. AK
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Why God Would Never Receive Tenure at a University

1)  He had only one major publication.

2)  It was in Hebrew.

3)  It has no references.

4)  It was not published in a refereed journal.

5)  Some doubt He wrote it himself.

6)  He may have created the world, but what has He done since then?

7)  The scientific community cannot replicate His results.

8)  He never got permission from the ethics board to use human subjects.

9)  When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it by drowning the
    subjects.

10) He rarely came to class and just told His students, "Read the BOOK!"

11) Some say He had His Son teach the class.

12) He expelled His first two students.

13) His office hours were irregular and sometimes held on a mountain top.

14) Although there were only 10 requirements, most students failed them.
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From: simon1@cgl.bu.edu (Simon Streltsov)
Subject: INFO-RUSS: Aeroflot stories (fwd)
To: info-russ@smarty.ece.jhu.edu 

[ forwarded with permission of the author, but not BBC (-:] Simcha

> From F.Abramovich@Bristol.ac.uk  Thu Jul 20 05:00:10 1995
> Date: Thu, 20 Jul 1995 09:59:12 +0000

> Shalom,
> I saw a BBC documentary movie about Aeroflot and thought that you'll probably
> enjoy it.
> 
> So, "Aerroflot stories" (in Russian):
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Posmoterl ya tut vchera u priyatelya dokumental'nii fil'm pro ... "Aeroflot".
Nu da, pro samii natural'nii ~Aeroflot" (proizvodstva BBC). Nu, dogadat'sya
ne slojno o chem bil fil'm - rasskazivali o ego mnogochislennih problemah,
zadanie businesmeni podelilis' opitom poletov Aeroflotom na vnutrennih liniyah
vnutri SNG, geroyami fil'ma bili 3 letchika i stuardessa. Ladno, eto vse
ne stol' vajno. No vot 5  epizoda bili "mea ahuz".
Zapadnii businesman, kotorii raboatet v Moscow rasskazal 3 epizoda iz svoei
praktiki (on vpolne horosho govorit i ponimaet po-russki, poetomu situatsiu
otsenival adekvatno):

1)reis Moscow-S. Petersburg. Samolet podletaet k SP, a tot ne prinimaet iz-za
plohih meteouslovii. Samolet povarachivaet obratno na Moscow. Gde-to po-seredine
puti, SP vdrug dal "dobro". Stuardessa vhodit v salon i govorit, chto seichas
budet provoditsya ... opros (!!! - vot ona, demokratiya-to!), kuda hochet letet'
bol'shinstvo. Kto hochet letet' v SP, proshu podnyat' ruki. Tak, kto za Moscow?
Chto j, bol'shinstvom golosov letim v SP, nadeus', chto goruchego hvatit...

2)etot businesman letit so svoei jenoi kakim-to vnutrennim reisom Aeroflota.
Vhodyat v samolet, sadyatsya na svoi mesta. Tut okazivaetsya, chto u kresla
jeni net remnei bezopasnosti. Nu, jena ni v kakuu, tak oni menyaustya mestami.
Jena uspokaivaetsya, samolet razbegaetsya, vzletaet... Tut kreslo jeni vdrug
nachinaet ehat' nazad - okazivaetsya, ono ne bilo privincheno k polu...

3)Stuardesa razdaet vodu v platmassovih stakanchikah. Tut etot busineman 
vidit na stakanchike kakie-to strannie sledi - to li zubov, to li eshe chego-to.
Razgadka nastupaet ochen' bistro, kogda stuardessa prosit vseh vernut' ei
stakanchiki posle pit'ya. Eto ob'yavlenie posle pereadetsya eshe neskol'ko raz
po reproduktoru, a pered posadkoi soobashaut, chto vot, mol, eshe 3 stakanchikov
ne hvataet, ochen' prosim sdat' obratno.

Popravka: "plastmassovie" stakanchiki - imelos' vvidu odnorazovie, "plastikovie"(?)

4)Stali govorit' o tom, chto, mol, konkurentsia i vse takoe, vot i Aeroflot
na MEJDUNARODNIH reisah stal starat'sya bit' luchshe, daje kino stali pokazivat'
vo vremya poleta. Nu, vot, odin businesman i rasskazivaet:

Lechu ya znachit resiom Aeroflota New York - Moscow. Vzlet v 2 chasa nochi.
Tol'ko vzleteli, vse, estestvenno zavalilis' spat', v illuminatore temno, svet
v salone toje priglushenii, horosho... Vdrug.. yarkii svet v salone,
oglushitel'naya music, golosa... Chto sluchilos'?! Eto nachinaut pokazivat'
fil'm! Oh, my G-d, it's 2 in the morning! (spravka - vo vseh prilichnih
kompaniyah tebe daut naushniki. Hochesh' smotert' fil'm - nadevai naushniki i
smotri, ne hochesh' - spi sebe na zdotov'e, da i svet yarkii nikto ne zajigaet)
Nu, delat' nechego, spat' uje nel'zya. Osolovevshie passajiri tupo smotryat
na ekran, kluya nosom, jdut, kogda etot fil'm uje konchitsya. Konchilsya...
Vse opyat' sasipaut. 5.00.. Vdrug menya kto-to tryaset. Otkrivau glaza - 
stuard: "Dinner, sir!"... "But i don't want dinner now! It's 5.00 am... I
want to sleep, please..." "You have to, sir! We, Aeroflot, are improving! You
have to eat your dinner!"

5)Rasskaziavet uje izvestnii nam po predidushim istoriyam russkogovoryashii
angliiskii businesman.

Aeroport Vnukovo. Jdem nachalo posadki. Vse passajiri uje v sbore, a posadka
pochemu-to zaderjivaetsya. Vdrug vhodit v zal letchik s kakoi-to edtal'u v 
rukah i govorit: "Znachit tak, u nas problema s detal'u, zapasnaya est' na
aerodrome, no mi ne Aeroflot (teper' tam desyatki aviakompanii, uje v nih i
ne razberesh'sya), a Vnukovo prinadlejit Aeroflotu, poetomu oni davat' nam ee ne
hotyat, no predlagaut kupit'. Bez nee letet' nel'zya, poetomu pridetsya vsem
skinutsya... Nu, ya dal 50$, cherez nekotoroe vremya poletetli...
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Date:  Tue, 12 Sep 1995 14:07:13 -0400 (EDT)
From: "Irene Galperin" 
Subject: INFO-RUSS: evrivun vud find it ezi
To: info-russ@smarty.ece.jhu.edu

IMPROVING ENGLISH SPELING
 Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European
 Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving
 efficiency in communications between Government departments.
 European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is
 unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through and
 thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron
 out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a
 committee staff at top level by participating nations.
 In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's'
 instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would
 resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k'
 sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up
 konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made
 with one less letter.
 There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be
 announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This
 would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.
 In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted 
 to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments
 would enkourage the removal of double letters whish have always been a
 deterent to akurate speling.
 We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is
 disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as
 though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the 
 skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 
 'z'.
 Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after
 al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be dropd from
 words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer
 kombinations of leters.
 Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl
 riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and
 evrivun vud find it ezi tu understand esh ozer. Ze drems of ze Guvermnt vud
 finali hav kum tru.

Copied from letter by:   Alex Sherman 

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Date: Wed, 18 Oct 1995 11:10:48 -0400
From: AlexRazdol@aol.com
To: info-russ@smarty.ece.jhu.edu
Subject: INFO-RUSS: How to become an American :^)

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         How I'll Become an American - Mikolas Vamos

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Miklos Vamos is an Hungarian writer who spent last year at the
Yale School of Drama.
----------------------------------------------------------------

        I have been Hungarian for 38 years. I'll try something else for
the next 38. I'll try to be an American, for instance, North American,
I mean.

As an American, I'll speak English fluently. I'll make American
mistakes instead of Hungarian mistakes and I'll call them slang.

As an American, I'll have a credit card. Or two. I'll use and misuse
them and have to pay the fees. I'll apply for other cards right away.
Golden Visa. Golden American. Golden Gate.

And I'll buy a car, a  great American car. Then I'll sell my car and
buy a smaller West German car because it's reliable and doesn't use so
much gasoline. Later, I'll sell it and buy a smaller Japanese car with
a computer aboard. Then I'll sell it and buy a camper. When I sell the
camper I'll buy a bicycle.

As an American, I'll buy a dog. And a cat. And a goat. And a white
whale. And also some big stones as pets.

I'll live in my own house. It will be mine, except for the 99 percent
mortgage. I'll sell my house and buy a condo. I'll sell my condo and
buy a mobile home. I'll sell my mobile home and buy an igloo.  I'll
sell my igloo and buy a tent. As an American, I'll be clever: I'll sell
my igloo and buy a tent when I move to Florida from Alaska.

Anyway, I'll move a lot. And I'll buy  the best dishwasher, microwave,
dryer and hi-fi in the world - that is, the USA. I'll have warranty for
all - or my money back. I'll use automatic toothbrushes, egg boilers
and garage doors. I'll call every single number starting 1-800.

I'll buy the fastest food I can get and I'll eat it very slowly because
I'll watch TV during the meals. Of course, I'll buy a VCR. I'll  watch
the taped programs and then retape. Sometimes, I'll retape first.

As an American, I'll have an answering machine too. The outgoing
message will promise that I'll call you back as soon as possible, but
it won't be possible soon. If I answer the phone as an exception, I'll
tell you that I can't talk now because I have a long-distance call on
the other line but I'll call you back as soon as possible (see above).

And I'll get a job. I'll always be looking for a better job, but I
won't get the job I want. I'll work really hard since as an American I
wanna be rich. I'll always be in a hurry: Time is Money. Unfortunately,
my time won't be worth as much money as my bosses' time. Sometimes,
I'll have some time and I still won't have enough money. Then I'll
start to hate the wisdom of this saying.

As an American, sometimes I'll be badly depressed. I'll be the patient
of 12 psychiatrists, and I'll be disapointed with all of them. I'll try
to change my life a little bit. I'll try to exchange my wives, my cars,
my lovers, my houses, my children, my jobs and my pets.

Sometimes, I'll exchange a few dollars into other currencies and  I'll
travel to Europe, Hawaii, Tunisia, Martinique and Japan. I'll be happy
to see that people all over the world are jealous of us Americans. I'll
take at least 2000 snapshots on each trip. I'll also buy a video camera
and shoot everywhere. I'll look at the tapes, photos and slides, and
I'll try to remember my experiences when I have time and am in the
mood. But I won't have time or be in the mood because I'll get
depressed again and again.

I'll smoke cigarretes. Then I'll be afraid of cancer and I'll stop.
I'll smoke cigars. And opium. I'll take a breather and then try LSD and
heroin and cocaine and marijuana. To top it all off: crack. I'll try
to  stop but I won't be able. I'll call 1-800-222-HELP. If nothing
helps, I'll have some gay experiences. And swing. And if I am still
unhappy, I'll make the final effort: I'll try to read a book. I'll buy
some best sellers. I'll prefer James A. Michener. My second favorite
will be the "How to Be Rich in Seven Weeks". I'll try to follow this
advice in seven years.

I'll always be concerned about my health as an American. I won't  eat
anything but health food until I get ill. From time to time, I'll read
in the paper that I should stop eating meat, sugar, bread, fiber, grains,
iron, toothpaste, and that I should stop drinking milk, soda, water,
acid rain. I'll try to follow this advice, but then I'll read in the
paper that I should do it the other way around.

I'll be puzzled. "Hey, I don't even know what cholesterol is !". Yet,
I'll stick to decaf coffe, sugar-free cookies, salt-free butter and
lead-free gasoline. I'll believe that proper diet and exercise make
life longer. I'll go jogging everyday until I am mugged twice and
knocked down three times. Then I'll just exercise in my room but it
will also increase my appetite. I'll go on several diets, and little by
little I'll reach 200 pounds.

As an American, I'll buy a new TV every time a larger screen appears on
the market. In the end, the screen will be larger than room. It
will be difficult to put this enormous TV into my living room; thus,
I'll put my living room into the TV. Anyway, my living room will look
very much like the living rooms you can see on the screen.

My life won't differ from the lives you can see on the soaps: nobody
will complain. I won't complain either. I'll always smile.

After all, we are Americans, aren't we?.

    Miklos Vamos
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